Footballs In Space
This essay was originally posted to Twitter between April 5, 2021 and April 9, 2021. It was composed of 1,208 words across 25 tweets.
If we were to explain the origin of the superhero genre in simple terms, it's this: road rage. Someone cuts us off in traffic, we want to get out and chuck their car into an abutment. Just physically punish them for annoying us, with total impunity.
(It's worth noting that the cover of Action Comics #1, the first-ever superhero comic book, features an image of Superman doing exactly this. In fact, one of Superman's earliest defining traits is that he does gleeful damage to our most American of machines: our motor vehicles.)
Superheroes can lash out in the absurd ways we wish we could in our basest moments. Someone cuts you off? Abutment. Steps on your shoes? Pick a fight with them, let them take the first swing, then they bust their knuckles on your abs of steel and don't even ruffle your spit curl.
Superheroes are road rage, writ large. They're problem-solving straight from the id, unencumbered by the hesitation of higher reasoning. They have the physical power to do anything they want to do, or to not do anything that they don't want to do. Pure reactionary fantasia.
Which brings us to SUPERMAN. Surely this foundational adaptation of the superhero genre contains at least a few moments of id-driven problem-solving. Some bad ones, some not so bad ones, some tenuous examples, some examples that may or may not imperil the Earth, etc.
In fact, there are many! We may need to establish a grading system, based on the level of irresponsibility that Superman is exhibiting at that particular moment. Let's use a four star scale: zero stars if it's basically fine, four stars if he's doing something that may doom us.
First off: Clark kicks a football into space. This one's pretty innocuous. There's nobody around, and he's taking out his frustration on an inanimate object. Still, carelessly launching things into space is the start of a bad habit that's going to cause trouble later. Half star.
Later on, Clark races a train on foot, outrunning it and beating a carload of his classmates to the driveway of the Kent family farm. Selfish and reckless--he's showing off, and he's risking a secret that isn't ready to be revealed just yet. But still, no harm, no foul. One star.
Pa Kent is dispensing sage advice, and Clark admits that he fantasizes about harming his bully. "Guys like that Brad, I just want to tear them apart!" He's only talking about it, but the implications are disturbing. Fortunately, he can control his temper. Two stars for this one.
Clark trudges across the tundra, carrying with him a crystal that buzzes with a strange energy. It beams instructions into his head, telling him where to throw it. He hucks it pretty hard. Beneficial, but he's using power without thinking, so it technically counts. Zero stars.
Clark and Lois are held up in an alley by a mugger with a gun. The mugger shoots at Lois. Clark catches the bullet, then winks to us as he tosses it aside. Setting aside the sheer arrogance of breaking reality, this is an unnecessarily showy way of stopping a murder. One star.
Moments, later, Clark describes the exact contents of Lois's purse, having unthinkingly used his X-ray vision to glance inside. Not only an invasion of privacy, but a reckless use of power, once again endangering his secret for no reason. One star. Get it under control, Clark.
On Superman's first night on the job, he spots a cat burglar spider-crawling up the side of a skyscraper. Superman scares him and he loses his grip. He plummets. Obviously, Superman catches him, but, still, not cool. Two stars for making a human feel small and insignificant.
Some crooks make a getaway with a load of stolen cash. Superman apprehends them, then he drags their yacht into the street.
One and a half stars. No idea who's going to clean this mess up, but you know who's going to pay for it? The humble Metropolis taxpayer, that's who.
A high frequency message summons Superman to Luthor's underground lair. Superman lands in the middle of Metropolis during rush hour and drills a hole through the sidewalk using his feet. I know he's in a hurry, but there has to be a less destructive way. One and a half stars.
Superman arrives in Lex Luthor's lair, hears the evil plan, then starts chucking Luthor around the room. Obviously, Luthor has it coming, but there's something disquieting about Superman's casual indifference to the imbalance of physical power here. Two and a half stars.
Luthor baits Superman into opening the lead safe that has kryptonite hidden inside. Seriously, Luthor says "Don't touch that!" in a way that's obviously a trap, and Superman just GOES RIGHT FOR IT. Three stars. Big "I'm Superman; nothing ever goes wrong for me!" energy.
Miss Tesmacher, learning that Luthor intends to nuke her mother's hometown, throws away the kryptonite and lets Superman escape. He flies through the ceiling, which drops shards of debris from overhead. Two stars. Miss Tesmacher could have been hurt, but time was of the essence.
He diverts the first nuclear missile into space, sparing Miss Tesmacher's mother. Depending on which cut of SUPERMAN II you watch, this is the missile that ends up busting the Kryptonian supervillains out of the Phantom Zone. Three and a half stars. This one's going to cost him.
Superman scrambles to contain the chaos caused by the second nuke. Just when he believes he's won, he hears Lois being crushed in a chasm. He tears her car door off, having already realized it's too late. Half star. It's basically harmless, and he's working through some stuff.
The next one is the big one. A grief-stricken Superman flies into space, circling the Earth fast enough to travel backwards in time. He arrives at a point before the chaos erupted, when Lois is alive and well, and races off to avert the second missile before her death can happen.
At the very same moment, the previous version of himself is still out there, taking care of the first missile. This is a logic-breaking snarl in the timestream. Superman A will only travel back in time if Lois dies. Superman B stops Lois from dying before Superman A time travels.
We can debate whether or not this should work, but it's academic. In this fictional universe, by whatever physical rules that govern it, it does work. Nevertheless, time travel isn't something you want to mess with--especially when you're distraught. Four stars. Don't fly angry.
Last but not least, Superman literally hauls Luthor and Otis off to prison. For one thing, there's an awful lot of coziness with the carceral system in this movie. For another, this is back to carelessly making humans feel weak and small. It's a bad look. Two and a half stars.
What if you were Superman? If you were handed incredible power and allowed to function in a (mostly) consequence-free way? How many people would have to cross you before you came down with a bad case of not-giving-a-crap? For most of us, I fear, it wouldn't take long.
Previous: Here's To Diseased Maniacs
Next: Somewhere In Hypertime
Back to contents.
Published 3/9/2024
"365 Days of SUPERMAN"
site and contents
© 2024 Ken Alleman.